[grace]

"He gives grace everyday"... something I have learned and lived in new ways the past year of my life. What is the only way you see if you truly know something, you remember what to do in crisis, you know the answer to a question... test it. So in my testing this year I came to find the awesome truth of the words "grace for THE day, TODAY" in ways my mind could have never fathomed.

I could not imagine losing the man who had given me the only fatherly love I've known to cancer... but on the morning my mom walked into my room - 8 months after his diagnosis - and said "Uncle Tim is with Jesus" GRACE poured fresh. I wept, but not as one without hope. Grace gave me joy that he was finally cancer free & out of pain. Grace gave me peace I'd see him again. Grace met me right where I was.

I could not imagine losing friends at such a deep time of need as I learned to walk through life after many crushing blows... but grace met me each time I saw someone slipping, or walking, away. Grace comforted my heart that I was (am) where God wants me. Grace reminded me that I must follow Christ's call even if it meant people walked away because the call was hard or unknown. Grace whispered God's word to my mind in times of loneliness that could have led to despair.

I could not image losing a piece of our family as they walked away... truth that could heal being shunned as other things became more valuable than relationship with us. Sin tainting everything it touched and threatening to wipe away years of memories with current hurts that were (and are) piling up. But grace meets me, meets us, each day as we see afresh in God's word that He holds each one that belongs to Him, that He brings back the prodigal, that He heals what the locusts eat, that He asks for trust and gives us peace.

I could not imagine life without the one I cared so much for... yet grace met me in the moment I knew that was exactly what God was calling me to. I couldn't imagine how I'd breathe if I heard the news I so dreaded was true... again, Grace met me and I rested that God was sovereign and would never lie to me, although I was met with the realness of human lies with this news.

I could not imagine the holidays without those I loved... my uncle's name bolded and underlined at the top of this list in my mind. Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, seems like days I would be unable to make it through. Yet... say it with me... GRACE MET ME each of those mornings. Again, God's grace was there... not a day too soon or too late... strengthening me to take the next step. It reminded me of the true reasons for these holidays... THANKFULNESS: for the time I had shared with my friends, the memories, the trips, the love I'd known; for the time with my uncle, the words of wisdom, laughter, parts of myself that are the way they are because of him, the joy he brought to family gatherings, the blessing of having him in my life if only for a time; thankfulness for 8 years of ministry; thankfulness for the new great grandchild we have; THANKFULNESS as my uncle had written to me exactly one year prior.... and Christmas: it's not about me at all (shocking i know) but about a priceless give - a babe in swaddling clothes, a child KING who began a collision course with a cross, a cross that would take away my sins and justify me to a Holy God, a cross that gives me hope to see my uncle again and be restored to those I love - even if not until heaven.


Grace comes not at the moment we imagine the worst... but at the moment of need. Sitting in the hospital hearing my Uncle's diagnosis I had grace for sure - to take another breath when I felt like there was no air in the room, the lay on the hospital lobby floor with Jeremy (his son) and talk about what we were feeling and how God was in control - I had grace for THAT moment. I did not have the grace for the day we would lose him though, until that day. Although I feared that day... God gave me the grace I needed for the moment, in the moment. I need not to have feared... God was on the job and never let me down... and never will let me down.

So as I head into the new year it is Grace for the Moment I understand in new ways and wonder, not fear (altho i fight this at times) what grace I will receive this year.

[Sleepless]

It's been a long time since I've had a night like this. I've always been someone who goes to bed late - well, some would call it "early morning"! - and I've always been someone that experiences the stresses & emotions of life in her sleep patterns. When I'm struggling I dream vividly and lie awake often. I wake up crying when I am hurting, or missing someone I love. I dream about the times that have brought me joy, and laughter and cherished memories. And I dream of my fears, the things that are bringing me pain and loves lost. But I try to sleep, and it comes in bits and pieces even on the hardest of nights.
But sometimes, I have a night like tonight. I am wide awake and my mind can't settle down. It's whirling and turning and churning trying to figure out my life. Trying to make SOME sense of the last 10 months, the last 2 years, the last 4 years, the last 8 years. Each of these numbers representing something in my heart right now... something that has come after so many years that just doesn't make sense - and in all cases - hurts deeply. Tonight my mind does not want to rest, it wants to find a reason, and a purpose, and maybe a way to heal what has been lost. It knows the One who holds the plan & sees the future. And it acknowledges a heart that beats in striving to trust more truly & hold faith more tightly. It knows that if rain is what brings God glory, then the soul inside this restless body will YEARN for that rain. And yet, still, it turns and spins ans churns - reliving joy and pondering pain - and longing for answers, more then it longs for rest.

[rain]

Bring The Rain Lyrics
::MercyMe ::

I can count a million times, people asking me
How I can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me.
Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You.
Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind, to turn my back on You, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm but instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me suffering your destiny, so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy. Holy, holy, holy is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing, everybody singing, Holy holy holy You are holy You are holy

[blank]

This last year can be summed up in one word - "loss" - and I've never experienced so much in such a short period of time. My Uncle, my job, relationships, friendships... I can't think about it all at once or I sink fast. But I've realized something... my slate is blank and it's a whole new world. It is sad, there are people i miss deeply and it's scary sometiems, but it's also ripe for opportunities and new challenges and people to walk with. I can't imagine making these new decisions without my uncle's advice and wisdom but I will now make them wanting him to be proud of me.

[Circumstances]

What drives you? Circumstances or relationship?

Does it not matter the 'who' but the 'where' instead? Do you like being 'out' & having a 'good time' (to be defined later) so much that you rarely consider who'll you'll be with - whether it's good company or bad company. It's just about the concert, show, movie or BBQ that seems fun & of course...you love fun and will get along with whoever. Or even do you love being 'home' so much that no mater how wonderful the the people are, the activity of 'leaving home' drives you to keep from the people. Leaving 'home' doesn't seem 'fun' so you don't go spend time with your brothers & sisters in Christ, or serve your community or even see your family.

Yet there is another option to having the 'circumstance' of being out or in driving your decisions... you can take into consideration the people - the relationships when making your decision. Bad company really does corrupt good morals. And being around Godly community really is fundamental for these journey's God calls us to. Letting the community you will be around play a bigger role in your decision of what to do (of course taking responsibilities into consideration as well -house work, etc) will lead you to much better circumstances that in turn lead you to true joy. Being encouraged by fellow believers, or serving those less fortunate, or enjoying an activity that doesn't leave you feeling guilty, or having friends your proud to know and have know will lead you to longer lasting joy that letting 'out' or 'in' circumstance driven decisions be your guide. Still a thought in process...just pondering...

[Birthday]

My birthday gift from the Lord... in my favorite daily devotional this year September 5th read:

He Weeps with Us
Jesus Wept.
John 11:35 NIV

"Jesus... weeps. He sits between Mary and Martha, puts an arm around each and sobs...
He weeps with them.
He weeps for them.
He weeps with you
He weeps for you.
He weeps so we will know: Mourning is not disbelieving. Flooded eyes don't represent a faithless heart. A person can enter a cemetery Jesus-certain of life after death and still have a crater in their heart. Christ did. He wept, and He knew He was ten minutes from seeing a living Lazarus!
And His tears give you permission to shed your own. Grief does not mean you don't trust; it simply means you can't stand the thought of another day without the Lazarus of your life.
If Jesus gave the love, He understands the tears. So grieve, but don't grieve like those who don't know the rest of the story." (Max Lucado)

Thank you Jesus.

[effort]

The greatest moments in life, many times, come with a fight and that is what makes them so great. The effort to win your love, for a woman - endure labor and have a child, climb a mountain, lose weight, see distant family & friends. There is effort here. And walking with God, being a sojourner - not a tourist, gaining knowledge, studying His Word, learning something new... it takes EFFORT. Yet we so often shy away from effort... we give up on a love that seems too hard, we succumb to the idea that our bodies will always be 'this way', we lose touch with friends & family, we don't learn new things because it's hard and most of all... we don't put effort into our walks with God. We do start looking more like tourists and not sojourners & pilgrims of this world. Our lives must be marked with effort & hard choices if we want them marked with the impossible, the miraculous and the amazing.