[Sleepless]

It's been a long time since I've had a night like this. I've always been someone who goes to bed late - well, some would call it "early morning"! - and I've always been someone that experiences the stresses & emotions of life in her sleep patterns. When I'm struggling I dream vividly and lie awake often. I wake up crying when I am hurting, or missing someone I love. I dream about the times that have brought me joy, and laughter and cherished memories. And I dream of my fears, the things that are bringing me pain and loves lost. But I try to sleep, and it comes in bits and pieces even on the hardest of nights.
But sometimes, I have a night like tonight. I am wide awake and my mind can't settle down. It's whirling and turning and churning trying to figure out my life. Trying to make SOME sense of the last 10 months, the last 2 years, the last 4 years, the last 8 years. Each of these numbers representing something in my heart right now... something that has come after so many years that just doesn't make sense - and in all cases - hurts deeply. Tonight my mind does not want to rest, it wants to find a reason, and a purpose, and maybe a way to heal what has been lost. It knows the One who holds the plan & sees the future. And it acknowledges a heart that beats in striving to trust more truly & hold faith more tightly. It knows that if rain is what brings God glory, then the soul inside this restless body will YEARN for that rain. And yet, still, it turns and spins ans churns - reliving joy and pondering pain - and longing for answers, more then it longs for rest.